Scruffalovegus

I stopped shaving.

I figure, why waste money on razors when I am not impressing anyone anyway?

Maybe now I can focus on the intellectual.

We'll Be Along Soon Enough

When we laid him in the ground,

Everyone said goodbye.

I said, "See you later."

I'm Not Skinny

I went into a trendy and fashionable store today,

I bought the only thing that fit me.

This cologne smells magnificent.

Paint It Brown

I want to make a mistake tonight,

One that will shadow all my others.

I wish the bartender would serve over here again.

Paradigm

Am I a slovenly fool,

Or am I an aesthetic philosopher?

I really want a chicken sandwich.

My Own Worst Enemy

I daydream about telling her a joke.

I laugh. I snort. I blow a snot bubble.

God, I hope she didn't see that.

Bitch

I will admit, she is very pretty,

If you admit she is kind of dumb.

She still hasn't realized that the "party mix" she is eating is the dog's kibble.

The Low Road

There are only two types of wealth, Old Money and Thieves.

Since I will inherit nothing,

My Decision seems fairly obvious.

Asberger's

My professor stares at the ceiling while he teaches.

He almost never looks at us.

I wonder if the person in the ceiling is taking better notes than I am.

Schizoid

I think I am going crazy.  

I do whatever I like.

Lately though, I disagree with myself, and my self doesn't seem to care.

Beating A Dead Horse.

Our house is full of flies.

It is all my roommates fault.

I should bury him before the neighbors can smell him.

Bargain

I sold my soul to Jesus.

He gave me eternal life.

Having seen what I have seen, I want a refund.

My Hypocritical

I want the perfect girlfriend.

I refuse to settle for less.

I hope she will settle for me.